Top 10 Things Never to Say to a Man You Love

So the strangest thing happened the other day. I was contacted by an editor at Redbook Magazine and was asked if I would be interested in contributing to a piece for an upcoming issue–in the Sex & Relationships section, no less. She requested a top 10 list of things not to say to a man you love (husband, boyfriend–hopefully not both). I came up with 25. The ones that made it in Redbook Magazine can be found here (along with some by my awesome fellow-contributors Shawn Burns of BackpackingDad, and Aaron Traister of Redbook’s Whys Guy blog).

1. Does this make me look fat?

Much as a condemned prisoner is allowed to choose the method of his execution, whatever choice is made he still ends up dead. When a man in a relationship with a woman is asked by said woman if an outfit makes her appear particularly bulbous what she’s really asking is, “Bullet or bayonet?”. Marriage counseling will soon follow.

2. Do you think she’s pretty?

No, of course not. He was just admiring her sense of fashion.

3. Shouldn’t we call a professional?

Why would you need a professional? He can fix it myself! (The truth is, you probably should call a professional. Just do it without your husband knowing. There’s no need to insult his manliness.)

4. What are you thinking about?

When a man replies that he is thinking ‘Nothing’, he really means it. Despite what you may have learned growing up, it actually is possible to have a mind completely void of thought (see realistic-looking image of a husband’s brain, at right).

5. I can’t wait to see what you’re doing for my birthday.

As if the relationship isn’t stressed enough already, a wife will inevitably say something to this effect. This question only serves to hasten the rate at which a husband loses his hair. You’re not helping!

6. Let’s go to Bed, Bath & Beyond

He has absolutely nothing against Bed, Bath & Beyond, Bath & Body Works, or any other store that starts with the letter B. But buying bags, blankets, and body lotion brings bad bearing to boys’ brains. Learn it. Live it. Your relationship depends on it!

7. Are you crying?

No, of course he’s not crying! He just has allergies, or perhaps an insect flew into his eye. Even if your man was crying please keep it to yourself. But he’s not.

8. I don’t care where we eat. You decide.

Trust me, you care. Just watch as the next 17 restaurants he suggests are struck down. The long wait at many restaurants is often not due to being busy, but rather because wives and girlfriends are still trying to decide if it’s the right place.

9. Shnookums, Willie Billie, Snuggle Buns, or Smoochie.

Oh, the humanity! In his live radio broadcast as the Hindenburg crashed to the ground, Herbert Morrison cried out those unforgettable words, not because of the flaming spectacle occurring before him, but rather due to the fact that his girlfriend standing next to him had just screamed, “Oh, Pookybear!” into the microphone. Really. Look it up.

10. Shouldn’t we just ask for directions?

Pshaw. Just because you don’t know where you are doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. And no, that is not the same 7-Eleven you passed 10 minutes ago.

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